HOW TO BE A RICH PERSON?

HOW TO BE A RICH PERSON?

If anyone asked my brother, when he was small, what he wanted to be when he was big, he would say in clear, unhesitant, fierce and assured tone , ―mujhe ameer banna hai !‖ I want to be rich. The old relatives would then laugh hysteri-cally unaware that my (dare I say it!) intelligent brother chose the easiest profes-sion on earth: to be rich.

Experienced men and wealthy people themselves claim that to be rich one must have qualities of hard work, sincerity, virtue, determination, persistence and blah blah. That‘s good enough as an advice…good enough only as an advice.

I have done a great deal of research observing quite a few wealthy chaps and being a very benevolent person I will tell you the real secrets of becoming rich.

The first secret, the one that can never fail, the easiest, most convenient, abso-lutely full proof plan to richness is inheritance. Be born in a rich family. Simple. When the angel of child-allocation in heaven sits with his notebook and pen in hand, assigning babies to human couples (obviously human! What‘s the use be-ing a rich poodle! All you would get is a fancy hair cut and pink chain. What a waste!) make sure you flatter the angel enough to assign you to a rich man‘s house. If you are a prodigy sweet talker it would be an icing to the cake to be able to convince the child-allocating angel to make you the only child. Then you are all set for life. No need to even read this text. No worries…no issues just get up in the morning spend some money… sleep at night spending more money and keep doing this till you die after which it does not really matter how is left or gone. All you would have to think is how to convince that child-allocating angel again (Ha! Good luck with that now!)

If you aren‘t born rich then be sure you are born poor. (Biting the child-allocating angel‘s wings should do the trick). All the rich people of today, were at some juncture poverty stricken, loony chaps with scraps of money in their pockets. Am serious. Really. Look at any millionaire‘s interview. He was born in a financially wobbly household and by the age of 15-16 runs away with a few hundreds to spare. So on an urgent basis, be poor. If you aren‘t, start pretending to be one. Having adequate money now will not make you rich in the future. Be sure to take the train by the time you finish school (we are already late for that now! So hurry…! Kurla station is 10minutes from college)

To be rich embrace the richness, be a part of the culture and imbibe its qualities. The early sleepers and risers can kiss money goodbye. All that funny business of turning down the lights at 10:30pm and hauling yourself out of bed at 6:30 like the lark needs to be stopped right away. Sleep with the owl & rise at a decent 10:00am enjoying the lurid warmth of your cozy blanket. Have you ever heard any rich bees barging their work places before noon? Huh? Tell me! Call at their bally offices and you will be greeted with an absurdly sweet voiced lady, slowly

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10:00am enjoying the lurid warmth of your cozy blanket. Have you ever heard any rich bees barging their work places before noon? Huh? Tell me! Call at their bally offices and you will be greeted with an absurdly sweet voiced lady, slowly lowering the axe on your plans by callously announcing that Mr. Richie Rich won‘t be checking in before lunch time.

You have to be apt at understanding semi-funny, meagerly-funny, not-at-all-funny and that-was-sad-enough-for-me-to-kill-you-so-help-me-I-will business jokes and laugh at them in a controlled but booming bear-like sound.

At least five cups of expensive coffee must be consumed everyday each- half drunk and half thrown on account of it being nasty.

By law, the phone should never be answered by you and even when received by your absurdly-sweet-voiced lady it must be transferred only at the third attempt of the caller. Exceptions however can be made to this rule (I mean if your mother/spouse/mother-in-law throw you out of the house for making them wait an hour on the phone, then don‘t coming whining to me!)

This is as far as social norms are concerned.

In matters of business too, there are certain things that are worth replicating.

While placing proposals sport the stern no-dilly-dally expression on your face; keeping the statement- „1000 bucks a piece; take it or leave it‟ at the tip of your tongue. It‘s not the sentence really. It‘s how you say it. It must sound like you wouldn‘t give a joker‘s hat for the money even though your insides are screech-ing otherwise because in reality you would probably have to be recruited as a pirate‘s ship sweeper if your client left the ‗take it or leave it‘ deal.

My father is a business man and this has enabled me to catch enough interesting conversations of rich blokes to safely conclude that theses richies care about lit-tle money as much as they do about their big money. A penny saved is a penny earned.

I once witnessed two men sitting in a café, sipping coffee and muttering in hushed voices. (God knows why they have to ‗mutter‘ in public places. It‘s not like a family eating donuts on the next table would take a sprint to their broker, with open mouths & donut still hanging in air, the moment they eavesdrop on your conservation. Tchah! What vanity! But I guess that must be another es-sence to richness or most of them wouldn‘t be croaking like they have almonds stuck in their throats every time they discuss business in cafes. )

First man asked second man: ―How was the meeting with Mahindra?‖

They do this all the time- call people by the name of the company they work in. Absolutely ridiculous, if you ask me. Just imagine how many Microsofts and Walt Disneys there are in this world!

Second man to first man: ―It was alright. I put forth my budget for the proposal- One million. Not a penny more, not a penny less‖

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See…! They are very sensitive about one penny. Doesn‘t matter where the One million go, the penny is the nub of the situation. So I think it would be prudent potatoes for 50rs a kilo, not a rupee more, not a rupee less‘. Oh and please call me when you do this. I'd like to bear witness to the priceless expression on the vendor‘s face who was most probably about to offer you 30 for a kilo. (Haha…!)

Bankruptcy has to unavoidably occur in your life. Every rich person has gone bankrupt at least once. It would be a good idea not to pay your income taxes compelling a raid whose consequent would be you behind bars. For instant rich-ness do all of it -- swindle other people‘s money, never pay taxes, go bankrupt when asked to pay anything , get yourself into critical criminal offence then pro-long it for years till every other businessman, employee, secretary, driver, sweeper, chai wala, paan wala know that you‘re an absolute goner. After this, make a miraculous entry into the business world exploiting an old wasted invest-ment you once made, as a mistake, but is now the pinnacle of financial earnings. To mask your self-conceived notoriety image engage uselessly in social endeav-ors. Protest against deforestation, even though you dwell on a land which was once abundant with greenery, strive for the uplifting of poor humans, even though you haven‘t paid your domestic servants 10 months worth salaries, sup-port women‘s progress and education, cleanliness drives, garbage collection, cultural encouragement, gift blankets to orphans, kiss babies, feed sick animals so on & so forth. You won‘t really have to do much. Just say that you‘re doing them, get a few fancy photographs taken with a smug smile and the paparazzi will go crazy! (Oh! that rhymes!)

Above all, there is one thing which if not instigated will force your plans to col-lapse faster than the leaning tower titled a wee bit more. It is wit. You should and must be exceedingly, unimaginably, exceptionally, absurdly and awfully witty. Smartness and intellect must be in your blood corpuscles. You have to be intelligent enough to deal with air headed humans, understand & judge them correctly, know their worth, how true or false they are and how much to rely & believe. You must be able to see right through them in the same manner as you must be able to see right through this article!

Good luck!

May the force of Richie Rich be with you!

— Saanjhi L S.E. ETRX